The anger continues, but today it is coupled with sadness as I now am aware that some rash decisions I made will have permanent results. This doesn’t mean things can’t change, eventually, but it does mean that because I got so very angry I affected relationships that will need time to heal. The question is, is the healing even possible?
Trust has been an issue for me for many years. It seemed, when I was young, that any time I found myself getting close to another person with in a year or two they would be gone. For the most part this has remained true, so whenever I get close to another person, I just wait for the axe to fall and for me to get left alone. In the last few years, there have been times when I simply left a relationship before the other person would have the ability to go. A psychologist would say that I have issues with abandonment, and he or she would be correct.
This lack of trust in other people is not a good thing. It has led me to over eat. People may leave but so far Entemann’s has stayed. Friends may drop me, but Breyer’s is always there. People may break my heart, but Kraft remains the same.
I will learn to get my comfort from a different source other than my mouth. I really have no choice in this. We all have times when the world caves in on us, and it never pays to over react. It never pays to eat ourselves in to a stupor or to try and get even. Usually all of those things do us more harm than the other person.
I read a quote somewhere, not long ago that “bitterness is a poison we give ourselves.” It’s a true statement being bitter and angry can make us do stupid things as well as make us sick. It is better to forgive and let go, though sometimes that takes years to accomplish.
So, here I am tonight angry and tired, disappointed and disillusioned. I haven’t gone off the changes I made in my eating habits and I haven’t made any more bad decisions. I have to sit here and deal with the pain. Allow my brain to deal with my heart and believe again in happy endings. They are out there one day I will find them.
I hope the people I have affected, can forgive me for what has happened. I can only ask. I do believe in happy endings.