Confidence and determination is something I have been sorely lacking over the last two weeks. Two weeks ago when depression kicked in and did not clear up in a couple of days I was ready to completely give up. The pain was truly too much for me. I did, however, get through it, only to find that my back was going to go out and I would be in physical pain for over a week, giving up seemed like a reasonable and a preferable option. But I didn’t give up.
Now that the back pain is gone I have found that the side affects of one of my medications is getting worse, so much so, that it has become very painful. And yet I’m not giving up.
A week or so ago I wrote how songs like My Favorite Things can help keep me going. Now it is songs like I Have Confidence that seem to make more sense.
Determination to see things to the end, to hang on like a bulldog, is really hard when things get completely out of hand, and yet it what we as people need to do if we are to accomplish anything. We get tired, we get hurt, we get bruised and broken, but if we want to see what we have dreamed about in the first place we have to take all of it and keep moving forward, even if we are crawling on our knees.
The last two weeks I have been on my knees. And it has been hard. In actuality I am still on my knees wondering if I can ever get up. The problem is, if I stop, if I give up, I will never know what could have been. And there is something in me that is saying “keep moving there really is something out there, and though you can’t see it yet it is waiting for you, and it is good.
That for me is hard to believe right now. It is the last thread I have to hold on to. Something really is coming and it will be good. Will pain and struggle cease? No! Pain and struggle in this life never ceases even if you think you have it all, something will always be missing. There is no complete satisfaction here. Look at all the celebrities that seemed like they had everything and yet killed themselves or overdosed on drugs. No matter how much they had it was never enough.
One of the greatest thinkers on the 20th century, CS Lewis wrote, “If there is something inside of us that cannot be filled in this world, than we must have been made for another world.” I believe that. I do believe that God put in us the desire for more than we can ever find here, in order for us to seek him out.
I know I will never be 100% happy here. But I also know that I was never meant to be 100% happy here and so that allows me to let some of my unhappiness rest. It will never be filled here. With that in mind I can begin, even if very slowly, to change myself here. To get healthier to find a semblance of emotional peace, to live a life that has a positive impact on others, because I know there is another world that I will find myself 100% satisfied and so I battle on with determination and confidence because the other world, the better world is waiting for me.