My Journey To Health, Dreams

winter-starry-night-ann-powThere are three types of dreams that are talked about.  The first is the dreams that we have while sleeping.  These can be either good or bad, some we remember for the rest of our lives.

The second is day dreaming.  Day dreaming is when you just let your mind wonder off.  I remember my ninth grade science class, I hated science.  I had let my mind wonder and found myself with the scarecrow on the yellow brick road.  I was totally lost in this fantasy and when I was called on by the teacher I didn’t even hear him.  When he got my attention I didn’t have a clue what was being discussed.

The third dream is the dream we make for ourselves.  These are the dreams that we start thinking about when we are very young.  I wanted to be a fireman, a scientist, ( I know me wanting to be a scientist was absurd, but I was still in elementary school and science was awesome at that level) a teacher, a writer and an actor.  None of these dreams came true.  Not really.  I got to dabble in acting in community theater and I get to write here, but I wanted…no, I want more.

I find it hard to dream now.  My weight and my physical and emotional issues seem to be overwhelming most of the time.  Dreaming that something better will happen is frightening.  I really just want to be normal now.  Normal health, normal weight, a normal guy with a normal family and a normal job, but none of that is in reach.

So right now I am afraid to dream or to hope.  I know that I want is not possible anymore.  I have reached the point in life where dreaming does more harm than good.

So how do I see my future?  I can’t see it at all.  I spend a lot of time wondering what is going to happen to me.  My future just doesn’t look good.  I am not depressed as I write this.  I think I am just being pragmatic (I love that word).  Looking at things from all sides and saying I see no hope here.

This attitude, that I cannot get rid of, makes everything more difficult.  Why stop sugar when I have no hope.  Why take all the medications I take when they do not work.  Sometimes it is, why do anything at all.  What is the purpose of anything?

So I have to force myself to dream.  I have to force myself to see me in a way that I have a future.  I need to see myself as not a loser but someone that has something good to offer the world, but I haven’t found it yet.  I don’t really know where to look.

My dreams….I just don’t know.

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