My Journey To Health, Depression

depression-632I am very depressed today.  I thought this column would be about something completely different, but I just can’t write it.  Not now.

I took a psychological evaluation test yesterday and it was not a fun thing to do.  Basically among some really general questions like “would you like to be a journalist?” they hide other questions.  These questions consist of things like, “Do you often wish you were dead? Or “There are people that are trying to steal my thoughts and ideas.”  They were true and false questions which is why the last was a statement.

All in all I got to do a gut wrenching list of all the things I think are wrong with me.  The test was over 500 questions.  And it has left me pretty beat up.  Actually I still have around 100 questions left.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I know this is not much of anything today, but I promised you the good things and the bad and lately it has been a run of bad.

I spent most of the day in bed.  I feel lost and alone.  I really don’t know what to do.  I am hoping a good night’s sleep will begin to take away the pain I am feeling, but I I don’t know if that will happen.

I have said it before, at least I think I think I have, that sometimes all I can do is make it from sunrise to sunset and this is one of those times.

Through this the best I can do is sit on my hands and hope that somehow something good will happen.  But I just don’t see this as possible.

As a Christian I believe that Jesus is with me all the time, that, he indeed, lives in me.  But during these times when I would most wish him to make his presence known, he seem further away.  And I don’t underrated that.  How can a God who goes to the cross to save us, leave us alone when we hurt so much?

Sometimes I think I am losing my faith.

So I wait, alone, in the hope that this will lift sooner than later.

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