My Journey To Health, Full on Depression

male-depressionFull on depression sucks.

Day one.

I am making the effort to write to you today during an almost full on depression episode.  I am also dropping, so how long this is will be is a matter of how long I can type.

Right now I am on the verge of tears and tearing someone apart.  I am extremely sleepy for no reason and the day has all in all been good.  There was nothing to start this downward spiral.

I can’t call anyone.  People already know I’m sick.  They don’t reach out to me so how can I believe they want to hear from me.  I am fat useless and a waste of breath on this planet and everyone would be better if I wasn’t on it.

I don’t want to continue the journey.  I don’t want to give up sugar.  I like sugar.  Sugar is the only real friend I have.  There are small pies available at Giant, right now, I can eat ten of those.  Why am I trying so hard?  It will never work.

People say they love me but they don’t mean it.  More than anything I want my phone to ring and it won’t, because no one knows I exist.

Maybe I should go to the hospital.  But I have been there.  It’s awful.  The beds literally collapse on you.  You aren’t in a ward with just depressed people, you are in a ward full of all kinds of mentally ill individuals and sometimes they don’t stop screaming.  They push pills at you, but I honestly don’t want pills, I just want someone to listen to me.

I don’t know why I am like this.  I hate myself and I am an embarrassment to my family.  I’m 54 I can’t work, because if I get the least bit of criticism these feelings happen or I have a worse breakdown.  As soon as I start I know they want to fire me,  Now I pee myself with regularity because of meds and I poop myself because of a generic thing that I cannot control.  Who would put with someone having to go home everyday.

I wish I were dead.  I really do.  Life is just too damn hard and the burden too heavy.  No one cares at all.  I will always be alone.  I will always be alone.

Day Two

I am still in a bad place though I feel more numb with hopeless thrown in.  I went to church but I had to force myself out of bed and go very unwillingly.  It was good to see people but it hurt as well.

I’m tired, very tired.  I shouldn’t be I slept well.  But all I want to do is sleep.  There is anger burning underneath everything right now.  It’s under control but it doesn’t he;p knowing that I really want to burst out.

People need to stay away or if they come near there is every chance I will take a bight out of them.  I want to fight something but there is nothing to fight.  It’s not like it was yesterday, but it is very bad, maybe worse because it’s boiling under the surface and if I let it go, I will hurt people.

I know this column reads more like a journal entry.  I didn’t want to give you facts or ideas, I wanted to give you experience while it is happening.  I seriously, right now, do not know what the end of this story will be.  If you want to hear about when this passes leave a comment in the space below.  I won’t write about it otherwise.  This could take a week or more to end.  That is really the hard part, never knowing when it will end or worse yet what shape it will take tomorrow if it doesn’t end.

(This was written during an attack of a full on depressive episode and the following day.  This is as far as I could write.  I wrote this so you can see what is in the mind of at least some depressed people.  The loneliness hurts the worst.  Don’t let your friends go through this if you can help.  Help.  Just a hug can help)

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