In one of my earlier columns I stated that this would be the goal of my life, “I am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of impossible dreams.” As you know, if you read the last column, that these words were put to the test last week when I fell. (For full details on that adventure please follow this link, https://pcmlifestyle.com/2016/01/my-journey-to-health-shame/ )
The fall bruised my pride but it also hurt very deeply. It touched a part of me that brought memories back from childhood. Thoughts about how I was the last one picked when a game was being played because I was so uncoordinated, or memories of being told I was fat when I weighed 180 pounds at 5 feet 10 inches. I was told I wasn’t smart and basically told that I would be a failure. And I believed it.
Of course all of this took place in my mind in less than a few seconds, but that was all that was needed to put me in a place of shame and despair. I came back checked myself for wounds, and wrote the last post to this column. I had hopes that getting it down on paper would help me a get a grip on the pain, and it did help a little, but not enough.
The good news is that I did not turn to food or other forms of comfort to deal with my emotional mess. I took my own advice. I called my pastor the next morning and explained the situation to him. He told me that he understood the shame I was feeling. He then asked me if I had given up? I hadn’t. So then he asked, “How could I be a failure if I haven’t given up?” This was a really a good question. I hadn’t failed, I fell. I was no less the person I was than before I fell. People told me after reading the last post on my shame that I was courageous, the truth is I was desperate.
I also remembered something, someone else had taught me. No one is a failure. Failure is an event in someone’s life not an identity. Somehow we have come to accept that people are failures and we label them or ourselves in that way, but that is a lie. It is an insidious lie that has taken over the minds of so many people that they take their own lives. People have committed suicide about something that was never true about them in the first place.
I fell, I was hurt both physically and emotionally, but I recovered. The point is that you can too. I am going to repeat what I said before. If you feel like you are a failure, if you feel depressed. If you feel constantly overwhelmed by life, please seek help. Tell someone, friend a pastor, a doctor a therapist or a psychiatrist. You may need medication or you may not, but there is help out there.
God helps too. It has been proven scientifically that prayer helps people cope with life. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of God, find a local church. There are many out there that will welcome you and you may find a friend in God that is better than any friend you will ever have on Earth. Realize to, that people who follow god are more or less as broken as you are. No church is perfect. If you try a church and you don’t find yourself welcomed find another. The Church is not a club for the saints as much as it is a hospital for the broken.
If you decide you need to professional help, start calling a few professionals. Do a phone interview and find out if they can help you and if you think you can get along together. When you choose a therapist you are hiring someone to do a job. If they are not suited to your needs it is your right to find someone else.
Please don’t give up. Never stop trying. Be an optimist. Be a hoper of far flung hopes. Be dreamer of improbable dreams.