Shame is a horrible word because it is a horrible feeling. When we feel ashamed of ourselves we know we have done something wrong or something foolish, or at least are emotions are telling us so, even if we didn’t do something that was wrong.
Today I write feeling ashamed of myself. Yesterday, while walking the dog I fell. This should be no big deal. But I fell in a parking lot near some trees. There was no ice, the ground was flat. But in a second I was flat…on my face. I let go of the leash and my dog being uncooperative took off by himself, this time not very far. I could feel pain in my knee so something had happened. I hoped it was minor.
At the beginning of this series I wrote to you that I weigh between 370 and 390 pounds. I was not near anything that I could hold onto to help get me up. I had no choice but to crawl on my hands knees on the asphalt and then into the mud to reach a tree that I could hold on to. It was broad daylight; I was on my hands and knees crawling in the dirt because I could not help myself.
A neighbor drove by and saw me; I was grateful and humiliated at the same time. She got hold of the dog for me as I was trying to push myself against the tree to get up. She then came over and had to hold onto me because I still couldn’t get up on my own. If she hadn’t come along I don’t know how I would have gotten up. I may have had to crawl home.
Now I feel ashamed of myself. I feel ashamed because I am fat. I’m not over weight I am not obese I am fat. I hear the tape recorder in mind going off and telling me that this will never change. I am a failure and I will always be a failure. I can’t shut it off. It’s loud and is silencing every other thought in my head.
Shame is horrible. I want to give up right now. I just want to stop the process I am in and let whatever happens to me happen. How can I ever really change? But you see I can’t give up. I’ve started writing to all of you that I would do this. I made a promise to myself and if I give up right now, I will only feel more shame. This shame, though, I can handle. I have the old standby to get me through. Cake and pie, mashed potatoes and fried chicken, chocolate and other candies, foods too numerous to mention that can make me forget the shame. But I can’t do that.
So for now I must live with the shame and go on with the program. Do my best to stay in the direction I am going and be honest with you. I don’t write this for myself. I am not looking for pity or attention. I know there are others out there that feel the same way I do. Today, it is to those people I am addressing. Whatever is hurting you right now don’t give up. If it is a person, get away from them. There is such a thing as emotional abuse, don’t let anyone continue to do that to you. If it is coming from the inside, seek help from a friend, a pastor, a priest or a therapist. You don’t have to do this alone. It is not shameful to ask for help.
